Re-Writing A Scene.

Ernest Hemingway was an acclaimed author and journalist who gave the world the following quote:

"The first draft of everything is shit."

Original, first draft of a conversation from 'Country Life':

This was the filmed version of this scene, using this script:

We were asked in today's lesson to re-write the same scene, although changing every word of dialogue whilst keeping the meaning the same. This is the second draft of the scene:

We were then asked to review other people's scripts and see which one they thought was the better version. This is what people had to say about mine:

The first one was better as there are some bits where more emphasis is given like his father died not he came here for his father's funeral

The first draft sounds more realistic, the dialogue between anne and jeremiah where they are interrupting each other sounds as if it could be real dialogue between them.

ace the pro top notch home dog ;)

bro, this is ace.  they are both really good, and now i have read them both, they are both really good. well done peasant, - Jem :3

I have to agree that the first draft is better in my opinion, although some aspects of the dialogue are better in the second and so rather than settle with one of these two, I would rather write a third, with a mix from the better lines of dialogue from each of the drafts.


We were then asked to pick whichever version we preferred (or mix and match lines from the two different versions like I did), and then do a repetition edit. This is where you run through the text and take out any repetition. If a line isn't giving new information then prune it.

As Pat told us in lesson:

"Repetition is the enemy of good dialogue.

Repetition is bad for your dialogue.

Repetition isn't a benefit for your dialogue.

You see what I did there?"

This is the third version of this scene that I re-wrote, combining lines from the first and the second drafts, as well as adding/removing little snippets of dialogue too:

The third thing we had to do was to consider these three lines of dialogue:

'I'm asking you to vacate these premises.'

'You aren't wanted round here.'

'Oi! You got two seconds or I'll make you bleed. GET. OUT.'

They're all asking someone to leave a place, but the way they're written makes it seem like different locations, genres and characters and have a different impact in a film. For example, the first one seems like a security guard, or a police officer asking somebody to leave a property as it's a rather formal way to ask someone to leave. The second one seems like someone from a Western film, when a newcomer makes their way into a new town and they're not welcomed. The last one seems far more aggressive and violent, like something from Eastenders or a gang movie.

If a gangster would say the first line, they instantly change from a common street gangster to someone like a mafia boss who has lots of power and control, and the feel of the dialogue is completely different. If the third line was said by a posh waiter in a fancy restaurant, it sounds completely absurd and sounds like it belongs more in a comedy than a serious film.

Dismissing the very first ideas makes the screenplay more interesting and involving, and so using the second or third ideas that come into your head generally seem to work better for the film.